I don't think I've seen anyone throw tantrums like her. No, the world does not revolve around you and your schedule. And getting pissed because someone wont change their plans to be able to do something for you, does not mean you have the right to act like they are being an ass. And hanging up on someone, come the f*** on... just because someone is telling you something you don't want to hear doesn't mean they are wrong and you should hang up. Grow up.

Yet another glorious IRHC day.

The weather outside today was pretty wonderful for winter. So I was overall in a good mood while running errands ^_^
I did well on my Child Mal Lab, and my professor said my book selection for my book integration paper was a good one. And in research methods I had a good time. I don't think I've had a college professor I could be myself around more than Deb. Maybe my management instructor last fall... I'm not sure. But anyway, with Deb and RC, along with the fact that it is my second class of the day so there is a rare chance I will ever be late, that is my favorite class. Now I just need my research topic to go well.

I worked at Kelly's today, I struggled, but hopefully I will get it. It didn't help that the computer is dying so it kept doing weird stuff like opening different windows and what not.

After Kelly's I went to the Chapel to hang out with my sister before IRHC. I was suppose to study, but I only got a few flash cards made up.

Evan made a '25 things' thing on facebook. It made me smile. We shared it with the other IRHC members. I felt a little bad, because it wasn't my intention to make fun of him, I honestly thought it was adorable and it practically made me fall in love with the guy lol.

Evan was the only advisor at IRHC, so next week we have to try and get a lot of work done.

We went in today with what we worked on. Evan liked what we had, and mentioned that the advisors will have to go over it because they were thinking about some things as well. He mentioned that the advisors were thinking about assigning an advisor to each director. Obviously I hope that if that happens I get paired up with Evan, but they are all great so that would be really great to have one on one work with them.

Okay well it's time for bed.

I am in such a weird mood. Somewhat hyper (which is definitely not good since its 2am) and somewhat annoyed, and... well a little bit of everything I guess.

So there's this thing that I have been meaning to mention for several entries now that I kept forgetting, which is a good thing because that means it wasn't in the front of my mind. The Ex got a new girlfriend. I haven't spoken to him since the time he told me he had a new girlfriend; not because I was angry about the girlfriend but just because I haven't really talked to anyone lately who hasn't initiated the conversation. And it didn't help that he has broken 2 of the promises he made. He never came to see me while I was on break. That was a big one for me considering how awful break was. Then there is the part where he told me he wouldn't ever let him having a girlfriend stop him from talking to me.

Anyway, I'm over it. The only reason I mention it is because his facebook status no longer has him listed as in a relationship with her. Not that facebook is always the most factual sorce of information, but I did find it a bit odd. And now I'm just wondering, if it is true,  if he will contact me and tell me. Or if we really are done communicationg with one another. I feel awkward because I have truly been wanting to ask him about his brother.

I really don't feel like going to sleep. I have to get up in a few hours and I know that I will be so tired.

I need to put some extreme effort into studying for school. I have 2 exams this week.
I have 2 classes tomorrow, then work at concessions, mailroom and Kelly's. Then at 9 I have IRHC, followed by a floor meeting. Sort of a busy day but I'll have to try and force myself to study. Maybe what I'll do is after Kelly's, take my stuff and go down to the lounge until IRHC. Maybe.

Roommate will not shut up. and i'm too tired to leave the room.

Drat. I had this long entry typed out and accidentally hit 'Home' so I lost it =( so I really don't feel like trying to figure out what all I said.
Cliffs notes version...

Things today are going a little rocky, but turning out okay. I woke up late and got to class late, but my professor still was later than I was. I got 8 out of 10 points on my quiz, which was great because I hadn't read the chapter.

I got a shower which was fabulous. It was one of those showers that just make your day better, and make me feel good.

I have to head to the mailroom for work at 11:30am. I hope that won't take too long. Then I am heading to class as soon as I finished my mailroom duties so I can get a few things taken care of. I am a little sad because I realized that I will have to clean the snow and ice off my care before my other job in Olmsted. But, if that is my biggest issue for the day, it should be a good day lol.

I really should be asleep right now.

I worked on cleaning my room today which makes me happy... but I still have a lot of stuff to go through. I need to work on throwing a lot of unnecessary things away! I have definitely gotten better at not being such a pack rat, but I still have some work to do.

I got that job that my friend recommended me for. I'm really excited yet REALLY nervous at the same time. This woman that I will be working for works out of her home selling a lot of merchandise on Ebay. My job is to communicate with her customers and keep them happy and informed. This is an awesome job. I will be at a desk doing paperwork and emailing all day, which is a job I have always wanted. I can wear normal cloths, and my hours are flexible. Plus I get paid more than minimum wage. So yay! I just have to perform well. *Fingers crossed*

I need to write to the people back home. I haven't spoken to them much at all, and I feel guilty. I guess I just don't have anything to tell them. I don't want to complain to them and just tell them how uninterested I am with talking or being around people.

I had a meeting with my research methods professor today. I might actually have a topic now. Essentially it deals with avoidance coping and lack of attention.

My tasks/goals for tomorrow (later today) are:
Wake up and get a shower.
Go to Developmental.
If I don't wake up early, get a shower after Developmental.
Study Personality, and look over automated replies for my job.
Go to the mailroom
Go print IRHC stuff
Go to Personality
Work at 4pm

I am not really sure what I will be doing at work tomorrow. I know Friday Kaitlin is picking me up and we are going to work at 7am. Oh boy. At least I know I will be awake for class.

Man it would be nice to have a cappuccino machine in this building. I can get one before class, but I'd rather have one before I leave the building, to sort of wake myself up and all that.

Okay now that I've killed some time and kept myself awake longer than I should have... I am going to try and sleep again.

*I slept for 17 hours last night... O.o
*I missed my 2 classes and didn't go to my job at the rec center before finally waking up.
*RC is a sweetheart and brought me a class assignment even though he didn't have to.
*SNOW *grumble grumble*
*I need to get organized.
*I wish I had IRHC and research methods like every day =(
*I have to leave for another meeting, then go to a game at the rec center, then go to hall council tonight.
* I have seriously been thinking about leaving my sorority because I am paying to be in an organization that lately I have only seen as an inconvenience.

I don't want to do anything

I really think that IRHC is one of the few things that keep me going. We had an informal meeting tonight, just the elite lol- our exec board, and we were there for over 2 hours just discussing everything. Our group just works so well together it's wonderful. At CAACURH we all took a personality test thing and found out that we are all different 'colors' and I really think it bodes well for us. We have decided on our positions:
BF- Director of Business and Finances (That's mine! ^_^)
RC- Director of Recruitment and Conferences (R.C.)
PR- Director of Public Relations (my sister)
and The DA- Director of Activities (J.F.)

So far we are all fairly pleased with what we have accomplished thus far.

I also applied to be an RA. I really hope they accept me. I am not sure if I will be at BW next year, but if I become an RA I may seriously consider staying. I am really thinking about going to Grad school for Higher Education Administration. I really think I would enjoy pursuing that in life. having a bachelors in Psych and then going to Grad School for that, it may take some work, and I may hate it at times but I think when I make it through it will be something I really enjoy.

Man this semester is going to be rough. I have no desire to go to class =( Like I said, IRHC is like the only thing keeping me going. Other than the time spent with IRHC and the few hours after IRHC when I'm still coming down from that high, I can't stand my life. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to see anyone. I wish I could explain to my professors that I have an attention disorder, but technically I can't tell them that until a doctor confirms it, and I won't get in to see a doctor who will tell me that until closer to the end of the semester. That does me little good.

We might get to go to Texas with IRHC for Nationals. That would be so awesome. It will be at the end of May, so school will be out, but it would give me something to look forward to, other than turning 21 with my friends and being able to drown myself in alcohol at my discretion lol.

I have a job interview tomorrow. Kaitlin got an internship so she won't be able to work at her other job anymore so she put a good word in for me. I hope it goes well and if I get the job, I hope it is something I like and the hours work for me.

I wish it were easier to hate myself. Because I do, I hate who I am. But if it were another person in my life that I was upset with, I could chose to cut them out of my life and get rid of the person that was causing me pain. But this is all on me. And I can't cut off myself anymore than I already do.

I had a panic attack today. It was awful. I was in a formal meeting with Phi Mu for several hours. I could feel myself struggling, and I was having a hard time breathing but during the meeting I held it together and was okay. After the meeting we had plaque exchange, and that's when it happened. Everyone standing around in a circle having a good time and I can't breath and I started to cry, for no reason that was in my conscious mind, I just couldn't stop myself.

I'm so tired of struggling with the concept that if you don't like yourself, change who you are. I know it, but why the hell can't I follow it. I despise myself and it makes me sick, so I hate myself more.

I'm so tired of being a burden to people, and I'm so tired of complaining to people. I feel like it physically pains me to fully allow my brain to truly think about things, let alone say them out loud.

Right now I just want major distractions.

I want to escape which is making this harder because I have to at least somewhat focus on school because I don't want to completely screw myself. And I can't isolate myself, because I know there are people that care about me, and I don't want them to be upset with me. So I put on a mask and I force my smile.

I don't wish I were dead, but sometimes it is so painful to be alive. Which when I really think about that, I hate myself more. There are so many other people, people who go through much worse than I do. People who go through much worse than I do, and handle it extremely better than I do.

I really am starting to feel dead inside. And if I'm not feeling numb, I'm feeling pain, so really, which is the better option?

Can't sleep. A  lot of little nothings running through my head. So I'm gonna end up staying up all night watching Naruto. I would try and study but I need light for that, and it would be rude to turn the light on with Roommate sleeping.

Quick note though, I am somewhat pleased with myself because I have done most of my reading for my classes thus far, which I'm hoping I will continue doing so.

Also, It is bothering me...No one understands just how awful my winter break was. It hurts still to think about and I don't think I'll get over it any time soon. I was tormented and took a huge hit psychologically. Sadly, I have no one to help me feel better about this one. I don't feel like sharing it with anyone because no one will truly understand fully what occurred and how/why it affected me so.

Please, give me the strength to turn my life around, to take the responsibility for my own happiness, so I can become that person I want to be.